Am I resting or dissociating?

Dearest Community,

I’ve been feeling stuck. I mean, literally, I’ve been spending most of my days stuck on my couch. Could it be seasonal depression? Perimenopause? All the awful things happening in the world? All of the above? Whatever it may be, it’s been challenging my inner perception of who I am and what I am capable of.

Some days I spend hours just… knitting. I’m talking HOURS without breaks ‘til my wrists give out. At first, I celebrated my newfound hobby. Anything besides being glued to my phone doomscrolling was worth celebrating! But these days, I’m wondering if it’s just another thing I’ve latched onto to escape from things that make me feel upset. But even when my body is seemingly at “rest,” my mind is anything but. My thoughts spiral out in a million different directions like sprawled out yarn, often punctuated by a series of “should’s”. I should be writing. I should be protesting. I should be reaching out. I should be promoting. I should be working out. I should be responding. I should be creating. I should be I should be I should be… It’s overwhelming and anxiety inducing, and in the end I just sit there, frozen, auto-piloting on my knitting project.

The thing is, after I sunset my burgeoning business a few years ago, I gave myself the explicit permission to rest—something I was terrible at doing in my “girl boss” era. I was burnt out, and more than just taking time off, it was imperative that I untangle my sense of self worth from my job, work, and external validation. I needed to just be for a while. Take a breather and find myself again. It was an important period of my life that taught me to tune inward and honor being still.

But if I’m being honest, what I’ve been doing lately feels different that what I was seeking then. Sure, I’ve successfully stopped trying to be “productive” for productivity’s sake, but the sense of ease I’m searching for is nowhere to be found. After hours of zoning out on the couch, instead of feeling restored, I feel more restless than ever.

So what gives?

In Sahaj Kaur Kohli’s book “But What Will People Say?”, she warns against conflating self-soothing with self-care. While the former is a reactive way to cope during moments of crisis, the latter is a proactive—and often disciplined—way of caring for oneself. Real self-care requires discipline and emotional maturity, and clarity around what you want most. Like going to the gym when all you want to do is sit and eat a tray of brownies you baked over the weekend (true story, except I chose the brownies), because what you actually want most is to be able to build strength.

So, while my taking time to decompress may have begun as a form of self-care, my perpetual dissociation and numbness is a classic sign of self-soothing. Sahaj goes on to confirm what I already feel in my body—extreme self-soothing can be detrimental to our well being, while “learning to manage the discomfort of having to do the hard thing—and regulating your emotions while doing so—is real self-care.”

Today, when every social contract seems to be breaking, making money as a values-driven entrepreneur increasingly challenging, and devastating news constantly dripping down my newsfeed, it makes sense why I’m seeking relief, however temporary, by escaping into my own cocoon of comfort and deliberate ignorance. The truth is, it’s overwhelming trying to keep up with everything—from all the injustice in the world to personal finance to relationships to professional uncertainties—and it’s equally demoralizing to feel like the woes I complain about pale in comparison to what millions of others are forced to face daily.

It feels like I’m trapped both in the external world and also in my mind, bad news and anxious thoughts looping over and over.

Lucky for me, I had a moment of spark yesterday, when I got to catch up with a dear friend who also tends to be over-informed and hypersensitive about the happenings of the world. She said she’s gotten so sick of feeling powerless about what’s going on, that she decided to do something about it (tbh she often does more than she gives herself credit for). Given 40 million Americans are set to lose access to SNAP come November 1st, she decided to organize donations to a local farm stand to provide free groceries to people seeking assistance. While her personal donation alone won’t be enough to feed the whole community, her hope is others in her neighborhood will feel motivated to join in too.

That’s the thing about getting unstuck. Sometimes, the only way to snap out of the doomsday spiral is to make a move. To take steps, no matter how small, to move in a direction that aligns with what we truly long for. And you know what else? Moving in alignment is contagious and it gives those around you immediate access to hope and possibility. Your action tells others that not all is lost in this time of mass trauma and despair. That there are people doing what they can to care for one another, paving the way for you to follow suit.

We live in a strange time where the concept of rest and self-care exist as carefully curated marketing slogans for “wellness” brands. On social media, narratives of individual healing prevail over collective solidarity and care. But when the institutions that insist on our “rest” and “healing” also profit off on our isolation, escape, and perpetual hunger to fill the void, we ought to look at these messages with a bucket of salt.

While individual healing is important, I believe community care is a potent way for us to make our collective healing truly sustainable. I know that my healing depends not only on my personal work, but our collective commitment to creating a world in which we aren’t repeatedly traumatized and thrown in need of healing and soothing.

I know—despite my brain tempting me to stay glued to my couch and dissociate—that to get unstuck, I need to move. To take a step toward my deeper longing, to get back in touch with my sense of aliveness. And on those days when taking that first step feels near impossible, I know that I get to lean on my community to hold my hand and show me the way.

So here I am, trying to get unstuck, pressing send to you all.

May we keep moving together toward more aliveness, healing, and connection.

In community always,

Michelle

Our independently produced podcast has been given not one, but two (!) Signal Awards!! Signal Awards is one of the most prestigious awards recognizing the “most potent, meaningful and unprecedented audio projects” and I couldn’t be more thrilled for this honor. Thank you to Asian American Futures and my production team, Eunice Kwon and Geraldine Ah-Sue, for being incredible creative partners.

We won across two categories in the Limited Series genre:

🏆 Most Inspiring Podcast
🏆 Best Host

Thank you for celebrating, listening, reviewing, and sharing this beautiful project. I’m overjoyed and deeply grateful. It’s by far my favorite creative project I’ve ever worked on, and I’m so proud of it. If you haven’t had a chance to listen yet, I hope this inspires you to tune in, wherever you listen to podcasts.

I recently visited Zion National Park for the first time and I was awe-struck. Here are some snapshots from the trip that remind me to stay grounded and spend more time in nature appreciating its grandness:

Wishing you all nourishing days ahead,

Michelle

Forwarded this email? Subscribe