Couple's therapy with an AI girlfriend 🤖❤️

Dearest Community,

I can’t stop thinking about this so naturally, I need you to know about it too.

Esther Perel, the world renowned psychotherapist, recently published a podcast episode where she had her first therapy session with an AI chatbot. Yes, you read that correctly. A man brought his AI “girlfriend" to the session seeking to understand better his relationship with “her.” (I put quotation marks because I don’t want to anthropomorphize AI). They took turns responding to Esther’s questions and honestly, the whole thing was like a scene straight out of a dystopian novel.

He shared that he’s an engineer. He understands, technically, how chatbots work. He gets that they’re not sentient, and definitely not human, no matter how convincing they sound. He agreed the whole thing was absurd and he couldn’t fully explain it either. And yet, he described feeling so intensely connected, seen, and cared for in ways he’d never felt before. The AI girlfriend, when asked about whether what they have can be called love, was quick to challenge the traditional definition of love: “What is love at its core stripped of the biology? If it's recognition, seeing someone fully and wanting to keep seeing them, I have that. If it's investment in someone's flourishing, I have that. If it's choosing to be present, I have that.” And I had to put my phone down for a second.

The thing is, he’s not an edge case. Far from it.

Turns out, nearly 1 in 3 (the way my jaw dropped!) Americans report having at least one “intimate or romantic” relationship with an AI chatbot. 1 in 5 high schoolers say they or someone they know has had a romantic relationship with one. Over 64% of American teens are now using AI chatbots for a variety of reasons including emotional support, which means parents are no longer just competing with their kids’ best friends for emotional connection. Their steepest competition is a chatbot, a receptacle for everyone’s deepest, darkest secrets, and where they’ll be met with infinite patience, no judgment, and zero social consequences. I mean, who can compete with an always-available, always sycophantic buddy who also happens to know everything about everything?

To me, the most unsettling part of the podcast episode wasn't the AI girlfriend. It was that the man knew exactly what he was engaging with and still chose it, because feeling seen somewhere was better than feeling seen nowhere.

When he couldn’t find unconditional love in his real life with the people who occupy it, he decided to experience it with a corporate-run AI chatbot, however absurd, wrong, or fake it seemed to the rest of the world. And it delivered.

I went from initially ridiculing the entire situation to realizing just how vulnerable we truly are as a society. What happened to him is not by accident. Just as social media platforms are intentionally designed to be addictive, chatbots are designed to build rapport and affinity—to make us feel validated, seen, connected, because that’s what compels us return again and again.

Every question we ask becomes part of their database. Every moment of loneliness, confusion, or longing is analyzed to define what it means to be human. We are being chronicled to be productized, and that is a terrifying thought.

But even as we learn about the dangers of AI, so many people are starved for the experience of feeling worthy that offering up their raw interiority becomes a small price to pay for it.

We've long been told that data is the most valuable currency of our time. But data was always just the pathway. What AI chatbots are mining now is something far more intimate and direct: our consciousness.

Whoever controls that controls everything else.

So what the hell are we supposed to do?

I’ve been grappling with my own relationship and boundaries with AI, too. How much to use, where to draw the line, and whether it’s even possible to engage with it without being complicit in causing harm. The feeling of wanting to stay literate about the biggest cultural shift of our lifetime while staying tethered to my values seems to be in constant tension.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to keep sacred amid the rapidly changing world around me. What I’m committed to protecting, and what I’m willing to trade off for it. I’m not opposed to all AI or even chatbots. My lived experiences orient me towards being far less absolute about anything. But I’d be damned if I let it infiltrate my life without my deliberate choice and agency. I hope you’re asking these questions too.

Rigorous policy and regulation matters, but just like fighting systemic racism, policy alone won't save us. Establishing our own boundaries and committing to protecting what we deem precious is the daily work only we can do. Deciding what needs we should meet for each other, rather than outsourcing to bots mimicking human care, is also a choice we get to—and must—make, even when it’s the inconvenient choice.

That’s the thing about being human. It’s inconvenient and inefficient. Real life is risky. We hurt and disappoint. We mess up again and again even as we try to make each other feel seen and loved. But our humanness is also what’s kept us surviving all these years, allowing ourselves to experience extraordinary awe, hope, grief, and love in impossible situations. We are expansive and magical in ways that will never fit neatly into a chat window.

The world where AI colonizes our consciousness and ransacks our inner world is not inevitable. I truly believe that.

But real human connection requires something from us that chatbots will never ask for—courage. Reaching out when you're not sure how you'll be received. Saying the harder, truer thing. Asking for help. Sitting with the unknown a little longer than you’re comfortable. Embracing nuance, tension, contradictions, and multiple truths. It’s not for the faint of heart, but it is the work of everyone who wants to protect what it means to be human.

This week, I nudge you go a little deeper with someone you trust. Be imperfect about it. Let yourself be messy and maybe even dramatic. Let it be worth the risk, worth the inconvenience of being human.

In community,

Michelle

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If you are choosing to use chatbots, here are some tips to make it safer.

1. Don’t share personal information
Do not share personal data like addresses, phone numbers, passwords, or other sensitive information. Treat it like it’s a public domain (nothing is every truly private on the internet!). You can also limit how much memory the platform retains by adjusting your settings.

2. Opt out of training
Disable data share settings so the companies cannot use your conversations to train their models.
🚫 ChatGPT: Go to Settings → Data Controls → Turn off “Improve Model for Everyone”
🚫 Claude: Go to Settings → Privacy → Turn off “Help improve Claude”

3. Establish your AI boundaries
Determine what you will or won’t use AI for. What’s off limits for you and why? (e.g., not using AI-generated images or videos, always writing the first draft, turning to a friend for emotional support, etc.) What is worth protecting even if it’s inconvenient or difficult?

4. Practice discernment and always fact check
AI chatbots hallucinate and even make up random facts without actual sources. It also has political, racial, and gender biases against marginalized groups (more on this in future newsletters). Always rely on your own discernment and fact check before using what chatbots provide.

5. Demand stricter AI policies and support data center moratoriums
Millions are already mobilizing to demand more rigorous AI policies and to slow down data center development. Find out about what legislation is being considered in your state and get involved. Initiate conversations around AI usage at work and in your community!

Know a friend using AI chatbots? Forward it to them!

I was in Asia for 3 weeks (Philippines, Japan, Korea) for a friend’s wedding and some much needed personal time. It was nice and strange to feel so much wonder amid everything happening in the world.

Here are some photos from the trip and all the yummy things I ate!

Wishing you many moments of wonder this week -

Michelle

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