Why I quietly shut down my company

Dearest Community,

Did you know I sunset my company, Awaken, a few years ago? I never announced it formally. In fact, I only recently shut down the website and updated my LinkedIn profile despite not having operated it for at least two whole years. Why? you might ask.

I think I was afraid. Maybe a little ashamed.

I was scared to publicly shut the door on something that worked, that felt “safe,” without figuring out what’s next first. I was scared to let go of something that I built with so much hard work and love. I dreaded the questions, “so, what do you do for a living?”, or “what’s next?” because trying to explain the in-between space is exhausting.

The thing is, while the company was thriving, I was not. I was a shell of a person—burnt out, depressed, exhausted—but still showing up like I was “crushing it.” The more my company succeeded, the more I needed to produce: hire more people, win more clients, make more money, hire more people, win more clients, make more money. It was always more, more, more. I felt like I’d created my own hamster wheel, sprinting with no end in sight. Meanwhile, the cognitive dissonance around my own values alignment and life purpose also kept growing. It didn’t matter that I believed in what we were doing or that I was personally being rewarded for the work. I landed in the ER more times than I’d like to admit. I cried in therapy nearly every week. My body was sounding every alarm: something had to give. So I chose.

Since then, the last few years have been a bootcamp on turning inward. Befriending stillness so I can really hear me. Figuring out who I am outside of my survival shaping, outside of all the accolades that I spent my life accumulating to make me feel safe.

Turns out, I no longer have the same kind of ambition I once had to “prove” myself to the world. I have little patience when I’m asked to trade off my truth for belonging and safety. I’m still figuring out my next steps, but somehow, I feel more grounded. Sturdy.

During this time of rebuilding, one thing has remained the same: I feel the most alive when I’m sharing stories. Whether through my writing, speaking, podcast, or social media, I feel the most connected when something I share sparks something in you, be it courage, hope, relief, or togetherness. And I’m so grateful you are here, bearing witness, and journeying along side me.

A new podcast episode dropped this morning. It’s called, ”Who Am I Without My Job?”

It details my journey of feeling lost. Being uncertain about my next steps. Figuring out who I am without the accolades, the applause, the institutional validation.

If you’re also swimming in the in-between, or longing to feel more alive in the midst of surviving capitalism, have a listen. I think it will spark something in you.

As always, thank you for being here, and for staying.

In community,

Michelle

On My Radar & Heart:

1. This private retreat by Serian Strauss quite literally transformed my relationship to myself. If anyone is feeling stuck, check it out.

2. This 10% Happier podcast episode ft. Mia Birdsong was a balm to my soul.

3. This documentary about student protesters had me weeping in theaters. It is now available online for streaming.

I Feel That Way Too Launch Party

This past weekend, we celebrated the official launch of the I Feel That Way Too podcast with our friends and family. Thank you to those of you who came, and for everyone who’s made this heartfelt project possible.

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